My green eyes aren't greenish

They say that the iris is the place where you can see on the outside of someone, who he is. Everything you can see in the heart of the eyes. You can see whether or not a person is reliable, how he/she reacts in certain situations and how you should react on them. Wouldn’t that be nice. To know a person in the blink of an eye, literally.  Devastating, and so not true. Cause then I would understand myself much better as well, just by looking at myself. I can tell you, looking at myself actually makes it worse. I tend to avoid my eyes, and those of others for that matter. Cause I am afraid. What if it’s true? What if you could see in the blink of an eye how a person is? Life would get so much easier, so much more convenient. Everybody would have their true love for ever and ever. All fairytales would come true. Everybody would have friends for life and nobody would ever get hurt because all criminals would be locked up behind bars. Blue butterflies flying around rainbows singing birds everywhere and kids playing around… You get the picture. Well, the birds and butterflies are all sleeping for the winter, the rainbow will be a snowbow from now on and kids playing??  If they’re smart they will play indoors right now. No, the real answer lies somewhere else. It’s not in the heart of the eyes, it’s in the heart of the heart. The eyes might say where you are looking at but when the heart speaks like a piano plays, it can’t be somebody else then you. 

Either you win or you lose

You know how I hate to fight. It always ends with: “Cause that’s how girls die’’ in my head. I fight a lot lately. Strange cause I would never think of myself as a violent person. I fight with my parents my brothers my colleges, people who do deserve a fight and people who don’t.  I fight with stuff that isn’t working the way it’s supposed to work and with teachers (only former teachers of course), I fight against sleep and against numbness. Cause I don’t feel that much when I am numb and I am in desperate need to feel at least something. Most of all I fight with myself. It is not cool to fight with yourself. Can you imagine who will win? It’s either the part that wants to not feel anything anymore and embrace the numbness, or the part that wants to live life like my life wants to be lived before I die. One says 'You in for sitting behind your laptop all day with a big cup of tea?' while the other one is saying 'Let's do something. Let's go out and dance in the rain or something like that'. One says ‘Hey, lets do some homework and get straight A’s’ while the other one says ‘You can also get a B and go to town now and walk a bit’.  One says 'I am so tired' and the other one screams 'Being tired is for complete wecko’s. Of course are you tired. When was the last true vacation you can remember, honey? Where is your drive to be a somebody? Like you used to want'… Like I used to want. Tomorrow, when I wake up there are two scenarios that could have happened

•        I have embraced the numbness and have become the person that everybody wants me to be.
•        I have become an actor, acting a version of an embraced- numbness- me.

Either way, I will win and lose. 

Portfolio

I can proudly present to you: My portfolio. Not finished jet. But then again a portfolio never is. I will upgrade it this week some more and hope you will like the improvements I will make.

What I talk about when I talk about:

Communication is not easy. It´s so hard that we don´t even try any more with most people. It´s just about birds in the sky, how the sun is standing in the sky today, how sweet bunny´s are when they are walking through the fields, and stuff I don’t want to talk about when I talk about talking. I want to talk about the philosophical things in life, about trees being so beautiful in autumn, about why we are here. I am in desperate need of talking about not only Live Life and Love but also beyond that. I believe that everybody has a story. Something that made you the person you are now. I see everything around me changing and sometimes don’t understand why. Most off all I see myself changing. I don’t understand that either. Cause all I want to do is talk. And whenever talking becomes speaking, you are going to lose me from now on. So… What´s your story/talk about?