You know how I hate to fight. It always ends with: “Cause that’s how girls die’’ in my head. I fight a lot lately. Strange cause I would never think of myself as a violent person. I fight with my parents my brothers my colleges, people who do deserve a fight and people who don’t. I fight with stuff that isn’t working the way it’s supposed to work and with teachers (only former teachers of course), I fight against sleep and against numbness. Cause I don’t feel that much when I am numb and I am in desperate need to feel at least something. Most of all I fight with myself. It is not cool to fight with yourself. Can you imagine who will win? It’s either the part that wants to not feel anything anymore and embrace the numbness, or the part that wants to live life like my life wants to be lived before I die. One says 'You in for sitting behind your laptop all day with a big cup of tea?' while the other one is saying 'Let's do something. Let's go out and dance in the rain or something like that'. One says ‘Hey, lets do some homework and get straight A’s’ while the other one says ‘You can also get a B and go to town now and walk a bit’. One says 'I am so tired' and the other one screams 'Being tired is for complete wecko’s. Of course are you tired. When was the last true vacation you can remember, honey? Where is your drive to be a somebody? Like you used to want'… Like I used to want. Tomorrow, when I wake up there are two scenarios that could have happened
- I have embraced the numbness and have become the person that everybody wants me to be.
- I have become an actor, acting a version of an embraced- numbness- me.
Either way, I will win and lose.